Going On Strike
by Mali Bear's Buddy
Summary: As it turns out, a certain duo is just as sick of Hannah Burley as the rest of us. B&B discuss the Hannah problem...in bed. Straight satire, crack!fic written to amuse jsq. Co-written by jenlovesbones.
1. Going On Strike

**A/N: **So, I share have to share complete credit for this one with jenlovesbones. We wrote this together via email and yahoo messenger. It's been a long time since I laughed this hard and I can't thank her enough, for her friendship and for filling in the parts I had trouble with.

This is our gift to our Twitter pal and fellow fan-fic author jsq. Hopefully the words are small enough to accommodate your head injury. Jena says, "Please make sure you're sitting somewhere comfortable and well padded when you read this." My suggestion? Consult BonesSarah if you need safety tips. :o)

**Disclaimer**: Not mine...

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Going On Strike

They sit in her bed naked and bathed in sweat. He looks at her as she leans against the headboard. "So, how long do you think it'll be before they let us do that on the show?" he asks her with a cocky grin. "I'm tired of the whole Barbie doll thing."

She rolls her eyes. "They made me give her my sunglasses, Booth," she grumbles. "My sunglasses. My spot at the diner. You. I'm wondering what else of mine they plan to give her..."

"I wouldn't mind if they gave her some of your clothes...or took them away from you at any rate," he says, flashing her his charm smile. He kisses her shoulder and nuzzles at her neck. "The only person I want to see naked is you."

Brennan nods in agreement. "She does spend an awful lot of time naked."

"Can the show really not afford to buy her a wardrobe?" he asks ruefully, scratching his head. "I mean I'm not a prude, but I'm starting to get uncomfortable..."

"It's not fair," she complains. "When I get your clothes off, I'm collecting evidence or in your dreams. She sees you naked practically every episode."

They sit quietly for a while. Each of them separately pondering potential solutions to their Hannah problem, while stealing glances at the other. When she licks her lips he considers reminding her he's got plenty of 'evidence' she's free to collect from him, but she jumps out of the bed.

"I know how to fix this!" she says as she throws off the covers and races to find her laptop, tugging on her robe.

He pulls on a kimono that lies on a nearby chair. As he joins her, he shakes his head. "Wearing this reminds me of the coma dream," he says.

"Pity they didn't go with that one," she says. "I'd have our baby by now." She rests a hand on her flat abdomen. "I'd love our child, Booth," she says longingly.

"I know, Bones," he says rubbing his hands over her arms.

"With you're jawline and my cheek bones, we'd have quite an attractive progeny," she brags.

He gets lost in the thought of Brennan's body full and heavy with his child. He's drawn back to reality by the persistent tapping on the keyboard. "What are you doing?" he asks, peering over her shoulder.

"I'm tinkering with an idea." She tells him as her fingers fly furiously over the keys.

He reads over her shoulder. "Now _that_ could work..." he says. "It's kinda like that movie _Being John Malkovich._"

Brennan's brow furrows. "I don't know what that means..."

He kisses her. "Baby, you're brilliant!"

"Don't call me baby!" she chastises. "I still don't know what you mean."

"What you've laid out?" he says, waiting for her to nod. "You're proposing to put yourself into Hannah's body." He pulls her up into his arms. His hands gliding over the silky fabric of her robe. He kisses her soundly. "If it's _you_ I'm in bed with, you could plug yourself into Caroline Julian for all I care!"

"So, it's been done before?" she pouts. "I hate being unoriginal."

"But it's never been done by Temperance Brennan or our writers," he says. "And it's never stopped them before. I mean the brain tumor thing? _Grey's Anatomy _and _House _ did it the same season the writers gave me mine. And _House _is on_ our _network!"

"You know I don't watch television, Booth," she scoffs.

"We _really_ need to get you a TV, Bones..." he rubs his hand over his jaw. "You know, come to think of it, I wonder if that's why I'm seeing so little of Parker. Rebecca's playing doctor over on ABC. I hear she's a lesbian now. Think that'd be enough to get me custody? Maybe at least formalize visitation rights?"

Brennan tilts her head to the side in contemplation. "You should call Caroline on Monday."

"You know, I think I'll do that. She's always fun to talk to." He leans down and kisses her again.

She chews on her lower lip. "Maybe I should talk to her. You're sort of in the outhouse because of the whole what's her face thing."

"You're one for two on that, Bones," he says to her. "It's _dog_house, not _out_house, but points for what's her face. I may start calling her that. WHF. I like it!

Brennan grins. "I do, too," her smile fades into a small smirk, "However, it's highly inappropriate."

"You're probably right," he says, his voice defeated.

"We could give her a nickname though," she says. "Something we could call her to her face. Kind of like how you call me Bones."

"But what should it be?" he asks.

"Fig Newton?" Brennan quips.

Booth shakes his head. "That's just low, Bones."

"Under a fig tree, Booth? Seriously? Do they not know you at all?" her rising anger causes her to tense.

"Oh, screw them," he says, sweeping her up into his arms and heading back to the bedroom. "Forget about the writers. Let's go on strike. We'll camp out here, order take-out. It'll be great."

She leans in and kisses him. "I concur," she says. "Vehemently!"


	2. Sex, Blondes and Blackmail

**A/N:** Bronchitis sucks. Warm hugs and thank you's to all my Twitter pals who kept me company and looked out for me while I've been sick.

Many, many thanks to my talented co-writer, jenlovesbones, for cheering me up all week and helping me get my writing mojo back...through all 7 drafts of this chapter. This is so much more fun for me because I've had her to share it with...

**Disclaimer:** Doesn't belong to us...

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Sex, Blondes and Blackmail

He looks at the map security had drawn for them and shakes his head. "This can't possibly be right," he says to her.

Brennan pulls the sheet of paper from his hand and turns the page upside down. "Wrong turn," she says as she begins to pull him back in the direction they came.

Then he sees it. Printed on the door in gold lettering. _C. Julian, Federal Prosecutor. _

_It had to be some kind of a joke. _As he reaches for the knob to enter the puckish prosecutor's office, they hear a voice coming from behind them. "Well, if it isn't Special Agent Seeley Booth and the Squint Queen herself, Dr. Brennan."

"Ms. Julian," Brennan greets, her eyes on the floor as she tightened her grip on Booth's arm.

Caroline sashays past the two and enters her office. "What's the matter, _cherie_?" she asks Booth._ "_Taking my window office wasn't good enough for you? Come to scope out my digs in the bowels of somewhere the late Mr. J. Edgar Hoover wouldn't dare show his face?"

Booth rolls his eyes as they follow her through the door and into her dimly lit office space. He looks around. "How was I to know they'd send you down here?" he asks, flashing her his charm smile in effort to restore good will.

"There's a reason the cops on those _Law & Order _shows go to the prosecutor's office and we meet in the conference room, _cherie._" She steps sideways around her desk and settles into the leather chair behind it. "What has y'all botherin' me today?"

"We wanted to request your assistance in getting Booth increased parental rights in Parker's care." Brennan states plainly as she takes a seat across from the attorney

Booth drops into the other, palming a stress ball from the desk. Leaning back, he begins tossing it into the air.

Caroline raises an eyebrow. "You know, it just isn't Christian the way you're treating this poor woman," she clucks, looking at Brennan. "Sexing up the bad news blonde and letting your _partner_ here do your dirty work for you." Her lips purse together in a scowl.

The front legs of his chair clatter against the floor. The game of catch stops. "Look, Caroline, it's not like that, okay? Bones and I...we...what I'm trying to say is..." he take her hand, seeking the support of the woman beside him. "Bones and I are together...without the permission of The Powers That Be."

"What about all the nonsense with that half-naked journalist that's been all over you like white on rice?" Caroline says, folding her hands on the desk in front of her.

Brennan waves it off. "That's just a bunch of drama the writers broiled up. We're working through it," she responds coolly.

Booth smiles at her. "It's 'cooked up,' Bones," he says before switching his focus back to the prosecutor. "Now. The reason I'm here," he says, leaning forward he rests his elbows on his knees. He makes eye contact with Caroline. "I want more rights when it comes to Parker and I'd like to ask for your help."

"So your partner said. What makes you think you have a stronger case now, Booth?" The irritation in her tone is clear.

"Well, Rebecca's not really around much anymore," he says, leaning back in the chair again. "And by not around, I mean she's given up her legal practice to play doctor in Seattle. I didn't even know she had a medical degree!"

Brennan pulls a folder from her purse. "That's because she doesn't," she tells them as she passes copies of the documentation to each of them.

Caroline slips on her reading glasses. She takes a moment to look over the paperwork. "On these grounds alone we could likely get you full custody and send her to prison."

"Really?" he asks looking from one woman to the other. "That easy?"

Caroline smirks. "Nothing's ever _that_ easy, _cherie_," she tells him. "Let's talk about what's in it for me."

Brennan's brow furrows. "But that's blackmail!"

Caroline chuckles. "And it seemed to work out quite nicely for you the last time, didn't it, Doc?"

Brennan immediately shuts her mouth and looks down at her shoes.

Caroline steps around Booth's side of the desk. "I think I know what my prize is going to be," she says as she puts a hand on Booth's arm. "I think I wanna know what all the fuss is about. Pucker up, pretty boy," she says, spritzing breath spray onto her tongue, "And give Mama some sugar..."

Booth gulps. He looks at Brennan and sees her trying to look away. He stars at Caroline's mouth and closes his eyes. His lips quiver nervously. _She hadn't said anything about the number of steamboats this time..._

The prosecutor dips him back and plants one square on his mouth. Her full lips move over his as she holds him in her embrace. Unsure of what to do, he relaxes in her arms. He's stunned when her tongue brushes against his.

Brennan clears her throat. "Would now be a good time to mention that I know three different types of martial arts?" she asks, raising her hand.

Caroline backs away. "Definitely something to write home about," she says, heading back to her position behind the desk.

Booth shakes his head. "Seven years, Caroline," he says. "Seven years. I've almost cheated myself out of the chance to be with the woman I love by screwing some loose skirt under a fig tree," he rants. "And you had to go and do that in front of her!"

"Well, maybe if you'd learn to keep it in your pants," she begins with a sour expression.

"To be fair, I kept my, _you know_, to myself, for like five of the seven years Bones and I have been partners." he hears himself stammering.

"Please tell me you've at least bagged and tagged it..." she says rolling her eyes at him

"Huh? What? 'Bagged and tagged'?" confusion crosses his face.

"I don't know what that means," Brennan pipes up, speaking for the first time since interrupting the kiss.

"Covered the stump..." she licks her lips.

"Oh!" Brennan exclaims when she catches the reference. "I can assure you that the 'cocky' belt buckle is most assuredly not boastful." She turns her eyes back to her partner and grins at him. "Perhaps 'stumpy' would be a good basketball nickname for you the same way that 'peanut' was for Sully," she proposes.

"Bones!" he exclaims uncomfortably. "I don't want to discuss my...in front of Caroline!" He crosses his legs and protectively covers his manhood.

"Look, _cherie_," she says, looking him in the eye. "All I'm saying is that I am a federal prosecutor. I _really _ shouldn't be helping you sort out the drama with your baby mama. The last thing I need is for you to help create another mini-Booth and screw up _my_ case."

"I'm a big boy, Caroline," he tells her. "I know a thing or two or 10 about safe sex. But that's not the point! So, let me know what we need to do to get the ball rolling," he replies, standing quickly to distance himself from her.

"Does that mean that we need to start practicing safe sex, Booth?" Brennan asks him.

Booth laughs. "You're the only baby mama I want to be making deposits into," he says giving her a naughty look as his lips moved to cover hers.

"I did not just hear that," Caroline says.

"Rebecca's gone," he says without tearing his eyes from his partner, "and I think once they finally let Bones and me be together _together_, we'd both enjoy having Parker around more."

Brennan nods. "It would add a new bit of drama to our story-line as well."

Booth finally looks at the attorney. "I've always wanted more time with my kid, Caroline. That's never been a secret."

"Well, I only see one glaring problem with what you just said, and that's that you two aren't together yet."

"On screen," they correct in unison.

"And what are you going to do until then?" she asks. "What happens when they put him into bed with that bimbo? 'Cause you know it's gonna happen..."

"Doubtful," she says.

"I don't think so," he agrees. Turning to Caroline as they walk to the door, he asks, "You want to know why it doesn't bother us?"

Caroline shrugs. "I give up. Why?"

"We're on strike!" they exclaim, slamming the door.


End file.
